I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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