I'm pants shitting drunk right now
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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