I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
