the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
