Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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