its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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