I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Randomize
