the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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