My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
