I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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