he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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