I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Randomize
