phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I got her a Nickelback box set.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
