I could make wine with my vomit
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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