OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
People in love make me want to vomit
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
