nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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