I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
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