But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
