did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
