Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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