So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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