I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
