Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
