I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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