I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
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