Non-Jews are for practice
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
