Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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