Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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