The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
