Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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