This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
