toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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