i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
