i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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