airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
