i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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