i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
