Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize