I will die if light touches me.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
