Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
