i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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