I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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