Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
