I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
