Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
