he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
