i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
