What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
