i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize