guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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