My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
