Kiss
Puke
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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