No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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