If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
