who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
