I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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