I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
