my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
