If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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