they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
