Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
