just tell him i said nine months
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
